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Executive Dysfunction

by Joe Bartel

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1.
Ziggurat 02:39
MAYBE I’LL MEANDER TO THE MIGHTY MISSISSIPPI, DESTROY THE STONE ARCH BRIDGE AND LET THE RIVER DRAG ME DOWN, OR FIND MYSELF ATOP THE TALLEST MOUNTAIN IN THE WORLD AS YOU STRAP ME TO THE ZIGGURAT AND CUT MY HEART OUT. NO BLOOD, NO BONE, NO TISSUE. WOULD THAT SOLVE EVERY ISSUE? DESTROY MY BODY, HIT THE BRAKES, AND FADE TO BLACK AS YOU SHUFFLE ME OFF THIS MORTAL COIL. WE’RE A PRISON - A VESSEL - WE’RE NOTHING TO BE LOVED. BUT JUST BECAUSE I HATE THIS WORLD DOESN’T MEAN I WANNA DIE. JUST BECAUSE IT’S POINTLESS DOESN’T MEAN WE SHOULDN’T TRY. I WILL PUSH THIS BOULDER UP THIS MOUNTAIN TILL IT ROLLS BACK DOWN AND CRUSHES ME INTO THE DIRT AND I WILL CALL THIS GRAVE MY HOME. BREAK MY BONES AND EAT MY FLESH, SAVE MY SOUL, DISCARD THE REST. LEAVE ME AS A SUNKEN FREIGHTER DASHED UPON THE ROCKS. SPITTING BILE AND BLOOD INSIDE THE OUROBOROS, MY SOUL WILL TURN TO POISON AS MY BODY ROTS. PRY OPEN MY COFFIN AND PLUNDER WHAT YOU FIND INSIDE COS I’LL BE GONE OR BURNING IN HELL OR TURNING OVER WITH THE SAND INSIDE THE HOURGLASS. BUT JUST BECAUSE I HATE THIS WORLD DOESN’T MEAN I WANNA DIE. JUST BECAUSE IT’S POINTLESS DOESN’T MEAN WE SHOULDN’T TRY. I WILL PRESS MY HANDS INTO THE EONS AS ON WAX AND WHEN THE REAPER COMES TO CLAIM MY SOUL I GUARANTEE HE’LL KNOW MY NAME. REANIMATED FLESH REDUCING ME TO A BUBBLING BLACK ICHOR IN MY VEINS
2.
Abattoir 03:06
I CANNOT BUILD MY HOUSE UPON THIS FOUNDATION OF FRACTURED STONE. NO BROKEN HEART COULD NAVIGATE THIS ROTTING HELLSCAPE CARVED IN FLESH AND BONE. I CANNOT STAND THIS HUNGER RIPPING ME APART FROM INSIDE OUT. TURN ME INTO A BEAST OR A PILLAR OF SALT, DIVINE RETRIBUTION STRIP MY DOUBT. I DIDN'T THINK THIS ENTROPY APPLIED TO ME, I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT IF THE PATH IS JUST ABYSS AND QUICKSAND THEN FUCK IT, BET IT ALL ON BLACK, LET'S ROLL THE DICE I CANNOT DOUSE THIS RAGING WILDFIRE SWEEPING THROUGH MY MIND. INCINERATE MY SKELETON TO ASH, I'LL LEAVE NOTHING LEFT TO EXHUME OR TO FIND. NEVER MIND YOUR RACING HEART STEP INTO THE ABATTOIR GENUFLECT AND SAY A PRAYER AS THEY DROP THE HAMMER DOWN. LOOKING UP FROM SIX FEET DEEP YOU RETURN TO THE DARKNESS AND NO ONE REMEMBERS YOUR NAME SOMEBODY GOT MURDERED IN THIS HOUSE, I SEE THE BLOOD STAINS ON THE FLOOR SOMEBODY GOT MURDERED IN THIS HOUSE, I SEE THEIR SPIRIT HANGING IN THE DOOR SOMEBODY GOT MURDERED IN THIS HOUSE
3.
Well I don't need a man with a badge or a crown and I don't need a god over me looking down and I don't need to boss anybody around. All I need is you. But you don't need me telling you what to think and you don't need me to pull you back from the brink. Just give me a look or a nod or a wink and I'll be there for you. And we don't need the cops to keep our neighborhood safe and we don't need the state to keep the bandits away and we don't need a judge to lock our friends in a cage. All we need is each other, and all we've really got is each other.
4.
All these demons in my brain, sometimes they cause me so much pain I cannot think or move or dare to speak a sound. If you held a mirror to me and made me tell you what I see, I'd breath fire on that tree straight to the ground. If all the debts we are born into do not need to be repaid, just tear them up and take my hand and tell me, would you run away? And if I had to guess, I'd say the answer would be yes, so take the leap with me, let's drop this whole charade! When I was born I started dying, tightrope walked along the knife. But what else was I supposed to do with this short and pointless life? All my savings in my lungs, and the future's just a rail, it's dragging me to Hell and back and I could scream to no avail. If you stare into abyss, you might find it staring back, and as you snap back to your senses, find yourself tied to the track as the engine barrels down. Steam and jagged steel frown! And at the footsteps in the hall, your heart attacks. Put me away, I've had enough. I just need some time to rest my head, collect these scattered thoughts. I'm down and out, don't pick me up, just let me drown in this stuff, because sinking with the ship's not giving up. It's a good thing love is blind, cos it can be so ugly too. It may take more than you could bear to give. With these headlights in my eyes, and my tail between my legs, no one will ever know how this man lived. And if I could walk through walls, or on water as on stone, it would be clear that this can't go on forever, so it won't. So I just wanna see it burn, turn the earth into inferno, cos this stomach churning life is becoming home. Put me away, I've had enough. I just need some time to rest my head, collect these scattered thoughts. I'm down and out, don't pick me up, just let me drown in this stuff, because sinking with the ship's not giving up. EXPOSED DECAYED When this world turns to dust, we'll rebuild it all in our own way. IMPOSED BETRAYED When this world is in ash, we'll rebuild it all in our own way.
5.
Black spots in my vision, I am blinded by the light. I will circle this apartment one more hundred times tonight before I come to this conclusion, before everything's laid bare in front of me and I can see what Hell my demons have prepared. Backs up against the wall, this cornered dog will bite. Why should we hang ourselves by wires, or just wait around all night and contemplate an empty future in this godforsaken town instead of run to see the sun before The Man comes back around? Hell will open and the beast will be unchained With nowhere left to run or hide, these misanthropic tendencies remain Unquenched, a desert-worthy thirst unsatisfied These lycanthropic urges are unreined and will not stand to be denied Howls in the darkness, I've heard rattles from the tomb. Apparitions seeking sacrifice have come to spell your doom and whether chauffeured by a hearse or shoveled down into a grave, the grass will grow no one will know what heavy prices we have paid. Hell will open and the beast will be unchained With nowhere left to run or hide, these misanthropic tendencies remain Unquenched, a desert-worthy thirst unsatisfied These lycanthropic urges are unreined and will not stand to be denied Rotting in necropolis, ripped open ear to ear. Put a smile on your face, pretend you've nothing left to fear. Will they stuff you full of sawdust, taxidermied brigadier, or just let you rot away?
6.
Share your body with me We are not born to feel guilty Or reiterate what's true Share your heart with me There's nothing more to see Than what's been laid in front of you Inhibitions fled And the small of your back can tell me more than could be said Your fingers in my hair And the beat of your heart would intercept whatever's there When you were younger Did you dare to dream? Did you fly as high as eagles? Did you run through field and stream? And in your mem'ry Does a garden grow? Do your sunflowers span acres? Or is salt all that you've sown? Lay it open bare Hang your head like a boulder if the weight cannot be shared Ease your heart of stone Lift the burden off your shoulders, I won't let you walk alone Laying in your bed till the sun comes up Running out the clock I just want to feel something again tonight I want your birthmark, darling I want your scars I just want to feel something again tonight Share your body with me
7.
Deadlights 02:09
LOOK INTO MY EYES RED BRIMSTONE BURNING TEN THOUSAND DEGREES INSCRIBING THE MARK OF THE BEAST IN YOUR EYES 666 YOU CAN DRAG ME TO HELL WITH A CAPITAL H OR LEAVE MY SOUL TO TERRIFY THIS RAVAGED LANDSCAPE COS MERCY IS WASTED ON ME AND I DON'T NEED TO BEG YOU CAN PUT ME IN AN URN, YOU CAN PUT ME IN A GRAVE, YOU CAN STUFF ME FULL OF SAWDUST OR JUST LET ME ROT AWAY BUT THERE'S NO GETTING OUT OF THIS BLOODTHIRSTY WORLD UNSCATHED HATRED FOR A SMILE BLOW THEIR FACES FROM THE MOUNTAINS CARVE A GLYPH INTO THE STONE FOR THIS HOLLOW FACADE OF A LIFE YOU ARE TRYING TO BUILD LOOK INTO THE DEADLIGHTS
8.
Ineffective and lazy I've been driving myself crazy with this pointless self-destructive streak of mine Is it hopeless? Am I worthless and devoid of any purpose in this world? How quickly we all fall in line. But I can't keep this engine running I'm not made of time or money I could drink myself to death hounded by debt collectors Rotting in my bedroom, pushing everyone away. I never really thought this would be perfect But I need something to come along and make it all worth it There must be better ways to die than drunk alone dead broke and high And feeling insignificant and weird in my own skin all the time And it fucking kills me that I've taken you for granted But all this guilt, what is it worth if I don't change who I'm gonna be? Feeling stuck, always failing Treading water, I can't bail it fast enough. Executive dysfunction, still my mind. Twenty-six more. But I'm sick of feeling useless and I've run out of excuses so I'll jam it in my brain until it sticks! YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL, YOU'RE NOT WORTHY OF MY GREATNESS, OF MY GLORY I know this world wants us to feel so small and insecure, like changing for the better wouldn't be worth it either way Because life's a joke and nothing really matters, but now I know that meaning isn't what I'm really after! There must be better ways to die than drunk alone dead broke and high And feeling insignificant and weird in my own skin all the time And it fucking kills me that I've taken you for granted But all this guilt, what's it been worth if I don't change? Someday soon, my brain will stop its screaming and my blood will stop its boiling and my heart will not hold hatred anymore. And I won't have to fake an empty smile we could rest here for a while No more guilt, no shame, just love that's overgrown in my heart.
9.
Wedding Planning is so bogus Let's elope, they'll never notice Start the car and drive away Head out on the interstate I don't care where we break down Once we skip this fucking town We won't have to justify ourselves another time No more guilt or explanations Holding back or hesitation If nothing really matters, we could finally be free Free to live a life we chose, to head out on the open road or spend a rainy evening watching movies on TV You and I have been everything to one another For as long as I remember, you have stood tall at my side And when the rain comes to wash away the sins I have committed I will finally look you in the eye with pride This life can be so crushing If all our hopes and dreams amount to nothing We won't be content to beat our heads against this wall We'll put that broken record on Ignore the skips and sing along And dance around the fire as the social engine stalls No more debt accumulation! NO MORE NATIONS BUILDING NATIONS! Scream it to the future, we could finally be free! Free to build a world we chose, to learn just how this garden grows and look out on tomorrow at a world we want to see. But how I could I have know when we were born, this world was dying And that all our second chances had been cashed out long ago? And now what by all accounts should be the best years of our lives are being stolen from us one day at a time. But we don't need to come unraveled We don't need to be unsure I have held it in my hands I have seen visions of glory I've beheld a Promised Land that we could reach, if we just stand up tall enough!
10.
GOD DAMMIT I LOVE YOU I DON'T NEED TO HIDE IT I DON'T NEED TO DENY IT OR TO LIVE IN FEAR OF AN EVIL WORLD I CAN SEE IT CLEAR HOW I'LL MAKE MY ESCAPE, I'M BUSTIN' OUTTA HERE WITH YOU BY MY SIDE I'LL RIDE OFF INTO THE SUNSET NEVER TO RETURN OR TO BE SEEN AGAIN BUT THIS ISN'T THE END LIKE THE END OF A MOVIE BUT A CHANCE TO BUILD A LIFE WE'VE REALLY CHOSEN I KNOW WE'VE GOT SO MUCH WORK TO DO BUT YOU'VE GOT ME AND I'VE GOT YOU TAKING ON THIS WORLD, UP AGAINST THE WALL BABY HOLD ME TIGHT UNTIL I START TO FALL I CAN FEEL IT COMING AND I CAN'T ESCAPE SO I'LL SAY MY PRAYERS AND ACCEPT MY FATE I WILL DIVE HEADFIRST INTO THE UNKNOWN BUT AT LEAST I KNOW I WON'T BE THERE ALONE, NO I'M MUCH TOO YOUNG TO BE FEELING THIS OLD FAR TOO GREAT A COWARD TO BE ACTING THIS BOLD BUT I'VE FOUND MY STRENGTH AND I'VE FOUND MY VOICE AND THE SINNER IN ME HAS BEGUN TO REJOICE SO THESE PATHS THAT I'VE WALKED AND THE CHOICES I'VE MADE WELL, THEY ARE WHAT THEY ARE, BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY ALL I'VE GOT IS YOU AND THAT'S ALL I NEED COS I CAN HANDLE ALL THE BULLSHIT IN BETWEEN SO I KNOW WE'VE GOT SO MUCH LEFT TO DO BUT YOU'VE GOT ME AND I'VE GOT YOU UP AGAINST THE WORLD, TEARING DOWN THIS WALL BABY HOLD ME TIGHT UNTIL WE START TO FALL I CAN FEEL IT COMING AND THERE'S NO ESCAPE SO I'LL SAY MY PRAYERS AND ACCEPT MY FATE I WILL DIVE HEADFIRST INTO THE UNKNOWN BUT AT LEAST I KNOW I WON'T BE THERE ALONE SO WHEN I DIE AND BURN IN HELL YOU WILL PROBABLY BURN WITH ME AS WELL BUT I'M NOT AFRAID OF A SECOND CHANCE ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY TO DANCE WITH YOU BY MY SIDE I WILL REIGN AS KING AND THE DEVIL WILL FEAR THE HELL I BRING EVEN GOD WOULD RUN FROM ME IN FEAR COME ON BABY TAKE MY HAND WE'RE BUSTIN' OUTTA HERE
11.
Well I don't believe in God, but I do believe in me I believe I could be great and I believe I could achieve If I just work hard enough, someday I'd make everybody proud Yeah, I could be the talk of this whole town! And I don't believe in church, but I do believe in you I believe that you are strong and I believe you will break through With your lovers and your friends, you've got all the tools that you need. And remember you can always call on me! I know sometimes it gets so hard Any chance it gets, this world will take you to the ground And tear you limb from limb apart But I promise I will never let you down. And I don't believe in cops, but I do believe in us We could get to know our neighbors, we could start to build some trust And that lie about the government being us might turn out to be true Because anarchy begins with me and you Everything begins with me and you.
12.
I've never been there I've never done that I haven't walked as far or long as you have Maybe one day my lungs will thank me Maybe either way they'll just turn black But if I have no expectations, I cannot be disappointed And if I have no aspirations, I can't fail So I'll unionize my workplace, yeah I'll unionize my bedroom I will unionize my cell phone and my head I've never felt too certain just what lies behind the curtain And my hands they start the shake as my heart begins to race But I'll get by with red eyes, drinking coffee as black as the sea Even if it makes no difference when I'm gone, I'll be free I took the time I had for granted, not once making up my mind But is that really what's important, or had the word been redefined? So I'll take these cheap wine headaches straight from the bottle Watch my wounds start to congeal Watch my bloody blisters begin to heal It's all still touch-and-go, this cross-your-fingers situation And this beehive in my head keeps on buzzing But I'll get by drinking red wine, chasing coffee as black as the sea Even if it makes no difference when I'm gone, I'll be free

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released May 3, 2019

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Joe Bartel Minneapolis, Minnesota

incredibly talented / handsome folk musician

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